We better narrate a good future

If I remember correctly, the first time I read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne was last 2017. I grabbed the copy from our school library and read it there from time to time. I can say that I was able to apply its teachings around a month after. I was a work in progress but somehow along the way, I stopped. I went back to pity partying.

Flash forward to 2020, I am currently re-reading the section about not being defined by our past. I came to realize that for the past years, I have been blaming the events in my life that made it turn sour. I have a mini-timeline in my mind that’s simply about how my life was perfect and how I was very content with everything before “the turning point” and then, how miserable I was after. And I’m still stuck with feeling miserable most of the time! But now, I am reminded of what the real problem is: although I was longing to go back to the old, happy me, I was thinking and doing otherwise. You see, I was stucked with just longing for that version of me but never really striving to be.

And so, what should I do now? What’s the best response?

I can say that in order to achive our goals and who we want to be, we should focus our mind on the things that we want:

Want to loose weight? Then think of achieving that perfect weight for you and stop saying, “I don’t want to get fat!”

Want those high grades? Then start studying and really enjoy the process of learning instead of fearing, “I don’t want to get low grades!”

Want that best partner in life? Then get yourself used to being loved and cared for instead of thinking, “I don’t want to end up with someone who’s gonna hurt me in the end!”

You see, the problem is that we fear so much the things that we do not want. We are emitting that negative energy, and by thinking of it so much, we get it as much. Why don’t we say loud and clear the things that we want? And then, really feel that we already have them. Through this, the process of achieving our goals will become effortless.

Prentice Mulford has perfectly put this idea into words:

No photo description available.

Photo taken from one of the posts from The Secret's Facebook Page (https://web.facebook.com/thesecret/photos/a.10151082892531350/10156303279816350/?type=3&theater)

 

 

On the Death of Someone I Admire from Afar

I’m afraid I might be writing out of stream of consciousness right now. Moreso, a stream of emotions.

I want to hide from the world for a moment to fully process my

feelings and thoughts. No matter how hard I try to let it off my mind, his face comes so vividly in my memory.

It was an ordinary, boring day in class. Being absent in this one is a trend. Most of the students who were there were reporters for the day, and he was one of them. Their group had some technical issues yet there was no dead air — and it was because, he was there. He talked about things that are quite entertaining, very catchy indeed. And they weren’t too off the topic either. He smiled all throughout until the technical issue was solved. He was standing there, talking nonstop for around 10 minutes. When his group mate signaled that everything’s ready, he gracefully turned the topic into an introduction of their report.

I admired him so much that time. Not that it was the first time I ever saw him (because I believe he was quite popular in the university). In fact, if I recall perfectly, the first time was when he, together with his political party campaigned in one of my classes. To be honest, he’s pretty attractive yet that’s it. I was really interested in him (the i-want-to-know-him-better type) when the event mentioned above happened.

Unfortunately, it was too late for that. He was involved in an issue which quickly spread in the university thru of course, social media. Last Friday, September 27, 2019, he resigned from his position in the university and according to the article I’ve read, he was found dead in their house at 2PM yesterday, September 28.

I don’t know why I was greatly affected by this issue when I only know him from afar; we didn’t even have a single convo.

Yet his death struck me hard.

I thought that the earth lost yet another good speaker and apparently, a good writer too.
I saw one of his posts written in 2018 (I’m sorry, I don’t dare give the link nor the title here out of respect). The words in that write-up were knitten carefully yet no matter how his output was a well-woven piece of gem, it is clear that he felt dead inside.

Abide all these, I am still amazed by his elegance. To me, resigning from his political position means he was taking responsibility of the issue he was involved in. And he did this before taking his life — not leaving the student body hanging but saying farewell, with all due respect. To the end, he was still very graceful.

It is quite hard for me to fathom now how that boy I admire from afar — that boy who has unquestionably achieved more than the average student — that boy who, in society’s standard of success, can inevitably now be called “successful” — decided to end his life.

Bad thing is, they say we only care about people when they die. I personally felt disappointed to not see his personal works and talents when he was still alive. But then, as good as a writer he was, what happened then seems to be a tragically beautiful ending.

I do not know the whole story nor him, personally. But what I do hope is that he has found the peace and happiness that he said could be found “in another place”. Lastly, I hope that more people get a glimpse of the pieces of gems written by living authors. I hope we do not wait for them to vanish from the earth before noticing their crafts.

Now to anyone who has a friend facing an issue, please let us stop the toxic culture of “cancellation”. No matter how disgraceful the issue may be, it is our duty as a friend not to be the first one to judge. Instead, let us approach and hear him/her out and refrain from participating in “calling out” people especially on social media.

No one deserves to be publicly himiliated. Let us message that friend facing an issue to ask if he/she wants to talk about it. And if the answer is yes, then go and talk over a plate of Nachos.

#3

Pretty tough day, again. But this time, I think I’m seeing that little spark of hope at the end of the day. So, where did it come from?

I’ve watched a YouTube video called Alain de Button on Love. He’s actually become one of my favorite speakers now!

Anyway, through this video, I realized something: I looked for a partner/love that feels familiar. Digging deep, I may feel hopeless these days because I think I’m a trash for not having money. It was actually an idea drilled in my skull by my ex. I started feeling insecure with rich people my age simply because I wasn’t born with the same privilege that they have. Now, being born poor seems to become my fault, as my ex wants someone who’s rich or achieving because they have the means.

September 16, 2018. I’ve noted in my journal that incident when he insulted me. He said something like, “I see your efforts. I know that you’ve been working so hard to make ends meet. You tutor, you do student assistant in the office, you saved a locker in case you cannot study at home, etc etc. BUT STILL, IT ISN’T ENOUGH.” This is him implying that all of my efforts – even though I’ve been trying my best and working my ass off – still weren’t enough because I AM STILL NOT RICH.

I am a people-pleaser. I remember feeling so bad numerous times because I didn’t please him (no, not in bed type of pleasing haha but uhm, emotional support-wise). And that time when he said those words above, we’ve already broken up for several months yet we still meet from time to time. During these times as well, I’m starting to realize my worth and trying to analyze what actually happened in our 6-year long relationship. I’m already having some gut to defend myself and so, here’s a piece from my journal including an account of my response to him:

As I’ve mentioned, I am a people-pleaser. Perhaps, this attitude rooted in my childhood. I always need to please my mom so she’d be happy. I have to be an achiever and if not, then I don’t deserve her care or love. Putting it into a more precise manner, her efforts of taking care of me well are all wasted if I don’t achieve. At least, that’s what I’ve been told.

I tried to please these people so much that when I fail, I feel like a complete loser. A total failure. That I don’t deserve any love or care or affection because I am not the best.

But now that I’ve made a clear realization of this, what should I do?

Well, still looking for answers and full recovery but as of now, guess I’ll hold on what I’ve said before:

The Big F Problem

05/31/2019

We all did our part.

Daddy,
I’ve only been a week away from home and I already had a hard time. I can only imagine what you’ve been through when you worked overseas for more or less 13 years. You only get to see us for at most two months every after two years. Loneliness might have killed me if I were you. But thanks for being strong.
When destiny played its trick, you were jobless here in the country. After working for more than a decade in a strange, foreign city, you found yourself back to zero in your own motherland. Of course, our family suffered deeply financially.
And that’s okay. You did your part and I thank you for that.

Ma,
You deserve to receive the “best mother” award. Not perfect (for who is, anyway?) but the best. You CHOSE to take care of us instead of your own career growth. You want us to have that great childhood by providing a mother’s touch at home. You firsthandedly impart the lessons for us on how to be a good person – on how to be human.
When we went through financial crisis, you summoned all your alas in looking for a meal to present before us. Though of course, we still suffered deeply from hunger as the days pass by.
And that’s okay. You did your part and I thank you for that.

Child,
As soon as you realized that your parents can’t provide for the family’s everyday needs, you looked for a job at an early age. I know you have big dreams but now, they seem too far away and you’re too lost on how to even get on the road towards them. Financial constraints always get in your way yet you always try your best to get past those obstacles.
There were even times that stress gets so much in your nerves that’s why you cannot function well. The big F (financial) problem seems to paralyze you sometimes.
And that’s okay. You did your part and I thank you for that.

You see guys, this financial crisis has been with you for so long. And you did your parts; great sacrifices indeed. Too great to delve into the details for that might turn into a trilogy.

So what’s going on? It seems that no matter how hard you try, it always isn’t enough. This crisis has eaten a big part of your lives! But you have no choice but to fight, right?

We are, unfortunately, still all sane and functioning. What a misfortune! And what will we hear? Try harder? Strive even more? Pathetic. Tragic. What a disappointment.

We have, unfortunately, no choice. We each have to get our shit together. Let’s see where destiny’s tricky hands will then lead us.

Oh, and hey!

Child 2,
You were, at a very very young age, mature. It is clear that you understand and accept the crisis that we’re having. Thanks for bringing joy to the family. You are the most affectionate among us even though at this point of course, you belong to the headcount of the people to be taken care of.
And that’s okay. You did your part and I thank you for that.

We all did our part.

Monsters In My Mind

So… I was having anxiety attack last night. I had a hard time breathing and my mind just keeps on racing.

I then remembered that some time ago, I had this same feeling. Not that it happened only twice in my life but I remember writing down something about the experience…

And I called it Monsters In My Mind.

Unfortunately, these monsters visited me again last night.

Above is a screenshot of the poem I’ve written when I had anxiety attack 3 years ago. It was posted on my previous blog (which I don’t visit anymore for a long time now).

I’m glad that I have an account of how it feels like several years ago… Because to be honest, I felt the same confusion and pain when they visited last night.

Back then, I was still functional. I still have “priorities” (I remember those were school works) but I can’t do them simply because I cannot think straight and breathe well. I am also looking forward for that “savior” (and I clearly remember whom I was talking about that time) but nobody came to the rescue.

It was just me. And these monsters.

It was my own, lonely battle. And in the midst of it all, I had my greatest weapon – poetry. I was able to put into words whatever I felt during that time and I clearly remember that those monsters flew away from my mind when I finished my craft.

Perhaps, it’s still the best weapon that I have. It may not be poetry but I clearly know that these past rough days, writing was the solution to this madness.

Breathe…

The monsters departed.

#2

I’m glad I have an account for my day last Aug 7, 2018. It was the start of classes for 1st Sem, SY 18-19. It was a rough day. Told you in the previous write-up that I didn’t have an allowance for the first school day. So what I had in mind really was, if I don’t have an allowance for the first day, what about for the next days? Will this be on/off, like I’ll be absent for some days because I don’t have fare to go to school? Can I even finish the semester?

But I was there, in the University. Seated in my favorite library, CAL Lib in UPD. Perhaps, I lost hope since that day. I know the end is near for me. I was just not yet ready to accept it because there I was, feeding myself with fucking false hopes again.

So… If I didn’t have the money, how did I even end up being there? I remember I was finally given allowance before lunch. Good thing… Though it was too late for my 7am class. I remember hating my mom during that day. I really want to study well. I want to do good this semester; my grades aren’t even that bad after all. But this time, I want to really study hard and be a college or university scholar again. But suck it, I can’t even go to school on the first day. And I don’t even have the assurance I can finish the semester.

I hated my mom that time because I know deep inside that perhaps, in exchange for this tiny allowance that she gave at a late time, she expects me to owe her a lot. I felt like it was some form of a payment to do well and if i don’t finish my studies, I’m a bastard. Or I’m nuts or I’m super stupid. That’s how I felt and that’s why as much as possible, I don’t want to ask any money from them because I feel much of a burden. Plus, I don’t want to be blamed again if I didn’t succeed. I guess I’ve done my fair share in this life. I am not lazy. I’m quite not sure if I’ve mentioned it in my previous write-ups but I was working my ass off to survive for several years now. And I needed a little break that time. But I guess I can’t have it. Life sucks, you know.

And that’s how exactly I’m feeling right now.

I’m so tired of all that bullshit. I felt like my worth lies in my achievements yet nobody’s giving me the support to fucking get those achievements. They just want me when I’ve already succeeded but nobody was there during the climb.

—- It’s still August —-

Jeff, mali ka.

I’m not afraid to be alone. Maybe, it was just one of my reactions during that time. You know I’ve been through a long term relationship (not to mention that he is a narcissist). It is perhaps inevitable to be needy after the breakup. I’m always looking for someone to talk to so I could ease the pain or simply just to be sane. And I thank you and Maco for that.

Or maybe you’re right. Being alone WAS one of my fears. But it wasn’t surely my ultimate fear. Because I surpassed it. I overcame it. I conquered it. In fact, I want to be alone most of the time. I enjoy my own company. I love reading books, watching series or movies and then writing about them, i love studying (no, I’m not enrolled in the Uni anymore, I just like studying French on my own), reflecting, singing and playing the guitar… Alone. Yet I don’t feel lonely.

And hey, self.
You’re wrong, too.

You told them, and believed yourself, that you were afraid of reaching your dreams. You thought you won’t have any purpose once you reach your dreams. But I remember you thinking as well, “How could you say that? You haven’t even reached your dreams. How do you know it won’t make you happy?”

But I tell you right now, give it a shot. What if it’s really happy up there? Or… Just fuck off, you’re even far from being comfortable right now. Lol stop giving yourself false hopes again. Yep, I guess that’s the right and best advice I can give you.

So then, what do I fear the most, really?

#1

Wait, wtf. I was reading my journal entries starting July 28, 2018. I was just on my 4th entry and I need to stop. Omg, what a cringe, girl!!! Hahaha. I’m in a public place right now and it’s kinda hard to contain my laughter. =))

Like dude, what’s wrong with you??? Hahaha stupid, naïve bitch. Given the chance, I would tell that one-year younger me to stop. Stop seeing your ex, girl. It’s so cringy. Stop dating that guy from Tinder – it’s a trap. Hahaha. Ah, no. Just effing stop falling in love too easily. You have no idea what’s about to come but how I wish you didn’t put your hopes up too high. Well…

Actually, thinking about it now, I guess I’m glad that you enjoyed those moments. I know you were having a good time back then. Perhaps, you just chose the wrong dream.

You were planning to study hard, right? You said you want to finish with flying colors… But maybe, it’s not entirely your fault that you can’t entirely afford to study. You did your part and even though it wasn’t enough, at least you did something abide all the shit that was going on in your life.

It’s not your fault that you lost your motivation in studying when your mom cannot give you any allowance to go to school on the first day of classes. It’s not your fault that you don’t want to borrow any more money from your aunt when your mom advised you to do so. You know deep inside that you tried that before and you were just buried in debt that you know you cannot pay anytime soon. It’s not your fault that you can’t help but worry if you can go to school for the following days. Can you really finish the semester, anyway? Will you have enough money to do so? You know you can’t, but you did so anyway. And it’s not your fault to worry, believe me.

You did your part. You were working your ass off for a long time, remember? It was just the second time in college that you’ve asked some financial support from your parents. In fact, you were one of the main sources of income for the family for quite some time now. So again, it’s not your fault to worry, believe me.

Before starting your journal in that notebook, you took midyear classes, right? It was for leisure purposes. No, it was in fact a way to keep yourself busy so you won’t think much about the narcissistic abuse you’ve been through. It was a way to keep you sane and you did very well in that.

I see you fed yourself with false hope… You know the reality would eventually come yet you chose to enjoy yourself in that short moment. You hopeful little bitch…

For the heck of being realistic, you should’ve just started working full time back then. You just shouldn’t have dreamt of finishing college.